Happy feast of St. Nicholas, a day late

It's now over a month since my last blog entry. I've been too tired or only have one hand to use at the computer, so I've not written. Thus goes the life of a new mama. I hardly would have thought having two hands to do something was a luxury.

I do want to write more about my birth experience, but I have other things on my mind. Yesterday, I had a visit to my OB/GYN doctor for a follow up visit after Eleanor's birth. Some people know, others don't, but I had surgery 10 days after the delivery of Eleanor. I was angry. I was feeling, for the most part, good after Eleanor's birth, except I was experiencing more pain. I went to the doctor and found out that I had more internal damage than originally thought from the delivery. It was a huge set back for me emotionally. I felt as though my body was failing what was to be a normal event of the female body--to birth a baby. Now, six weeks later, after an incredibly painful reconstructive surgery of that "special area," (I'd rather give birth again any day) I am driving for the first time since October 7th and starting to keep up with a few household chores. I am thankful for both sets of grandparents who took shifts with the baby, night and day, so I could sleep for a few extra hours here and there and heal. My body needed that. I needed to sleep to make milk to feed my baby.

I have always wanted a handful of children. This past year has taught me that fate, providence, or whatever, sometimes dictates the ease of this process. Not everyone goes through miscarriages, fertility drugs, and reconstructive surgery to have one baby. I'm not resentful, but some, plain and simply, can do it with less interventions. Thank God that these things don't happen all the time. Our hope is that we are able to have more babies (yea, we like 'em). But for now, we are thankful for our Baby E.

I want to go visit friends and family in other places. But, that is not possible in this stage of our life. I miss a lot of friends that I really want to see. I really want to put decorations on our Christmas tree, but I'm too tired to get them out. (Our tree got put up while I was breastfeeding). And, I don't really want someone else to do it for me either. It's a funny feeling really, having someone else decorate my Christmas tree.

I am thankful to be breastfeeding Eleanor, by the way. It is exhausting but rewarding.

To all of my friends (and sister) expecting your baby soon, I'm praying for you.

I missed October

Today is the 28th of October and I feel as though I've lived one continuous day for the past 20 days. Our little baby girl, Eleanor Grace, was born on Friday, Oct. 8th at 3:16pm, 7 lbs 12 oz. The experience of giving birth is something I still cannot wrap my mind around. I would like to take a few postings to describe my experience of the labor and delivery in order to keep the memory.

Labor started late Thursday night, after watching Private Practice. Ken and I went up to our room and he gave me one of my much-needed massages as I tried to stay comfortable those last days of pregnancy. I had been having contractions all day, but really, I had been having contractions for the past couple of weeks. Some more intense than others. I decided to take a bath because the warm water usually calms them down. However, with "real" labor, it speeds them up. I called for Ken to come in to the bathroom and time some of them (as I said some not too pleasant things) and at midnight, they were 2-3 minutes apart, lasting for 45-90 seconds each. Usually, women go to the hospital when contraction get close, like 5 minutes apart, so I kept wondering if they'd slow down (ha ha). At 3am, I was starting to get more tired, and the contractions kept coming every 2-3 minutes. I asked Ken to start loading the car because now I really felt like these weren't going away! I finally realized that it was going to be the day we were to meet our girl. Since it was the middle of the night, I remembered that I was supposed to eat something before going to the hospital because after admission, food is not really allowed. So, I had Ken get the pan of Rice Krispie Treats that I had made and between cussing (I mean, the contractions), I ate Rice Krispie bars as we drove to the hospital. I think I had 15 contractions during the car ride, not fun. I walked in to the birth center with Ken, and we got right in to our room (they were expecting us since we called our OB doctor). I also remember feeling bad about waking up Tara (our doula) to come to the hospital. I kept thinking, maybe this isn't labor yet. When we got to our room, my nurse checked my progress from the labor and I was 6 cm. dilated. I was a little shocked, only 4 more cm. to go before birth. I knew, on average for first time moms, it would take approximately one and a half hours for each centimeter, so surely by 10am we would be ready to push the baby out.

Tara arrived shortly after we got settled into our hospital room. One of the great things about our hospital is the laboring tubs in the room. I was able to get into the tub which helped manage the intensity of the contractions. They even had a mobile, cordless fetal monitor that allowed me to be in the water for over an hour. Thinking back, both Ken and Tara were right with me, helping me focus on deeply breathing and relaxing through the contractions. After about six hours of these contractions (from midnight or 11pm, I can't remember exactly) I started to feel more and more exhausted, and, to me, the hardest part of transition was just around the corner. I decided to go with an epidural, knowing that it would take a little while to get things set up and get the medication in place. I did consider having an unmedicated birth (i.e., no epidural), but the combination of exhaustion (I had been awake since 8:30am the day before) and some fear of the intensity of the birth helped me decide. Even after getting the epidural, I was still having a significant amount of discomfort, so I actually had a different epidural placed, and that one took two attempts to get placed properly. I remember that Ken left the room because he really doesn't like needles, so Tara stayed with me. In fact, I hardly remember having the discomfort of having the procedure done due to having to manage the contractions! What a trip. Honestly, re-reading what I just wrote, it sounds way worse than what I remember. I am amazed at the capacity of the body to cope and handle all of the changes of birthing a baby. I was thankful for the epidural. I was a little surprised at how much I could still feel the entire process, just minus feeling my uterus contract.

As I write this, I realize that I need to write it for myself. I really don't care if anyone else wants to read it or cares much about my experience, but I know for Ken and me, we need to remember the events of birthing our baby Eleanor. Right now, I have my computer on my lap and baby is sleeping, snuggled under my chin as I recline in the recliner. The birth seems like a distant memory, but a memory not to be forgotten. All for now. Must change a diaper.

The birthday that didn't happen

Today is our baby's day-after-her-due-date. I've been getting looks and comments like, "Why haven't you had your baby yet?" Ken just keeps telling me it is the way others are showing interest in our pregnancy and baby. He's right, I'm just annoyed. "Eat Mexican food, that will start labor"... (Abbie thinks: yes, it may, but if it doesn't, I'll have heartburn for the next 30 hrs and my husband will have to listen to me moan around more than I already do) And, I'm not going to stay home from grocery shopping, going to women's group or other social things just because our due date has passed. We told the clerk in line at the grocery store that our due date was that day and she panicked so much she starting ringing our groceries wrong, as though the baby was going to drop out of me on her check out belt! It was hilarious, and she was the one who wanted to know! Now, I just tell people when they ask, "Any day now" rather than, oh, it passed a few days ago.

We did celebrate baby M's due date, though, because it really is a joy and accomplishment to me. I am thankful for a low-risk, very healthy pregnancy and baby (as far as we know). Ken and I both celebrate because we are aware that this is not in our control (at least, in some areas) that things have gone the way they have but for a special grace that has been given by our loving God.

I have been thankful for our doula Tara who is supporting us through our pregnancy and will support us through our birth. Her words of encouragement and insight keep me calm and in perspective.

All things considered, life is so good in the Mortimer house. I am thankful for friends who call and send messages just to listen and give words of encouragement. Yes, hormones are all over the place, yes I cry a lot, yes, I'm very blunt (at least in my head, but sometimes the words come out of my mouth with no intention of hurting any one). Please don't let these things stop you from calling or writing. It's a BLESSING to have such great support.

Baby M is excited to meet all of you! (And, her mama is excited to meet her, especially).

And, probably the best news I have to share is that baby Mortimer will have a GIRL cousin (my sister Ashley's baby), in February. Too much fun. :O)

Birth and Death

I think I love my baby even more today. I am beyond-words excited to meet her and hold her in my arms with Ken. Last night was quite the experience of some "practice" contractions that lasted most of the night. Between eating, drinking water, taking a bath and a walk, they finally slowed down enough to sleep. I am glad for them. This body has to get this baby out somehow. I am learning to sleep when I can so as to rest for this transition about to happen. I find "hospice-like" similarities in most of this. Death is certainly a mystery as to when it comes, despite the physical signs and changes that occur in a person's body. I have been privileged to watch people die. For some, it takes weeks. For others, it comes as a complete surprise with little warning and the passage happens with family fairly oblivious. Ken and I stand by and watch consuming signs that our baby is nearer to her debut to our arms. For us, the process is taking weeks. Rightly so. This is apparently how many experience the birth of their children; this is true, too, with death, as family and friends release and let go. Both birth and death certainly are significant transitions commonly experienced over a period of time.

I often hear stories of family members about deaths. Each is unique and precious and must be held sacred. Birth stories are similar with the spectrum of emotion. I am thankful to hear them. They are sometimes hard to hear, similar to hearing stories about death. Regardless, the stories need to be told, even written, and handed on to each other with out fear of expressing the emotions that accompany.

37 Weeks

Today marks the best week -- baby M is officially a full-term baby. She is a very happy baby, and I am a very happy mother that she decided to stay put this whole time. Baby and mama went to visit a support group for mothers today as well. There were so many moms, probably 20 with babies. My eyes kept scanning the room, seeing newborns breastfeeding all the way to mothers with toddlers. We are going to have one of these precious bundles in a very short time! I think Baby knew this as well, as she kicked and squirmed in my belly the entire time. Having all of these babies and new moms in my memory will certainly help me visualize the purpose of birthing our baby.

Today I realized I did not have any chocolate chips, so the cookies have yet to be baked.

I need to post our latest sonogram picture. Baby Mortimer is getting chubby!!

Chocolate, peanutbutter, oatmeal

I can hardly stand how much I crave baking, anything really. Tonight, it's chocolate chip cookies. I really want to make them. Problem: it is 9:00pm and I should really try to stay on a good sleep schedule (even though I know that will all change in a few short weeks!) Our doula, among others, told us a great idea. The suggestion is to bring a basket of treats for the nursing staff when we go to the hospital to have our baby. Now, having worked on multiple floors in different hospitals, I know the good that can come from a little grazing of some yummy, homemade snacks. After all, this is going to be a birth-day, right? I already know that nurses work very hard and have very important tiny lives that they care for each day. I am already thankful for them.

36 Weeks

Ken, Baby, and I had a sonogram last week and our 36 week visit to our doctor. The baby looks great, I'm doing great, now we wait and wait and wait some more. I am trying to decide what all to take to the hospital. My last visit to the hospital was for a week with appendicitis. I don't think I really packed for that. We will be much more prepared for this trip, no doubt!

In other news... we are getting both of our garage doors worked on. One spring and pulley system completely snapped last night once we shut the door and got in the house (luckily we were out of the way, though I don't think we would have been hit). The other door also needs some new parts as they are not looking the best either.

Belly Kisses

My husband loves to kiss my belly and say, "I love you baby!!!" mostly during the sign of peace at church and in front of other strangers and funny times. It kind of embarrasses me, but not really. I am, I remind myself, 9 months pregnant and it's totally obvious what he is doing, not like I'm hiding something.

Other thoughts of late:

• How is this baby going to get out of my belly? (I know how it's most likely going to happen, but seriously, is this for real? Yea, I know it is, but seriously?)
• What will she look like? What will go through my mind if she's not a she, but a boy? It's been known to happen. If it does, we will have the best girl clothes any boy could ever want! Is it possible for a girl-baby to look like my husband? That is a very strange thought.
• Growing a baby is the strangest thing I've ever done. Even though I've been doing it now for 35 weeks, it is still strange. I think I'd like to do it again because strange things are also very nice at times.
• It's hard to imagine a day when I will not look pregnant. It feels kind of perminant. I'm glad it's not.
• Praying for my baby with my husband during holy hour is so sacred and sweet to me.

Organizing

I'm not sure what "normally" happens when a soon-to-be mom starts to organize things for her baby. Right now, I've been sorting our baby's clothes based on the size of each item. I have a lot of items of clothes, that are all nearly as cute as the next. I find the whole idea of organizing baby things to be a little comical. They are organized now, but I can see chaos erupting the moment baby arrives home. I won't want to do the laundry, so Ken will do it. And, he will probably sort the clothes according to some strange method that is different than what I sort. Who knows. Hopefully, the clothes will make it back to baby's room at some point, but I've heard babies wear multiple outfits during the day. Kind of sounds like what my husband does, though I think the reason for the changes is entirely different. Well, not all together different because he sometimes does spill things on himself. So, clothes are washed and sorted.

I bought the biggest box of diaper wipes that I could find. I was amazed at how many TYPES of butt wipes from which one can select. We were given a wipe warmer too. I think Ken might like the warmer enough to install one in our bathroom. Who knows?! Simple luxuries.

Most of my clothes that I had been wearing as "maternity clothes" no longer fit. Even the shorts that I have with the belly band that goes all the way up over the belly no longer goes up over the belly. Ken was a very helpful husband and accompanied me to a consignment shop that has a fair selection of maternity clothes. I did find 4 new tops that sufficiently cover my belly. I am a happy mama. I mostly stick to Ken's gym shorts during the day.

Our 34 week visit to the doctor went well. Not much to say here. 2 more weeks and another visit.

My sister Ashley is also expecting a baby. She is just out of her first trimester and is doing quite well. I am so excited for her.

I think autumn is just around the corner. I hope Ken and I can get a few pumpkins before our pumpkin comes!

What I love about being 8 months pregnant:

• A very interested husband in all things pregnancy: "honey, can I give you a loooonnngggg backrub? You look like you're hurting" ..... "what is a breast pump for?"
• Abbie: "Let's watch these videos on breastfeeding." Ken: "I've never seen so many breasts."
• I am interested in reading about baking bread. My latest find: Healthy Bread in Five Minutes a Day by Hertzberg, M.D. & Francois. The library is great. Free books. New books all the time.
• Feeling Baby M move and move and move. Feeling her little hiccups, feeling her squirm around and shift positions. Feeling elbows, tiny feet (or so that's what I imagine).
• Talking with our doula. She checks in with me about what I'm doing and learning and how she can be of help. She's wonderful.
• Most conversations include words such as baby poo, nipples, and contractions.
• Growing out of my shirts. Now I really need maternity clothes.
• Wearing Ken's clothes. He laughs at me.
• Getting advice about baby things from friends. Most of it is very informative and helpful.
• Sharing pregnancy stories and joys and pains with other pregnant friends
• Going for walks with Ken. Being pushed up the hills when I run out of energy (ok, so I've never actually been pushed yet, but we tease about it).
• Parents who want to help around our house as we get ready for baby to arrive (this is AWESOME!!) I think "grandma and grandpa" are more in to nesting than I am at times!!
• Learning how to cuddle with my husband with a baby inside of me that is very in the way

My cousin Kaleena is passing through Kansas City today and will be staying the night with us. I love having company.